The Key to Happy Relationships? It’s Not All About Communication

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If couples were paying any attention during the past few decades, they should be able to recite the one critical ingredient for a healthy relationship — communication. But the latest study shows that other skills may be almost as important for keeping couples happy.

While expressing your needs and feelings in a positive way to your significant other is a good foundation for resolving conflicts and building a healthy relationship, these skills may not be as strong a predictor of couples’ happiness as experts once thought.

In an Internet-based study involving 2,201 participants referred by couples counselors, scientists decided to test, head to head, seven “relationship competencies” that previous researchers and marital therapists found to be important in promoting happiness in romantic relationships. The idea was to rank the skills in order of importance to start building data on which aspects of relationships are most important to keeping them healthy. In addition to communication and conflict resolution, the researchers tested for sex or romance, stress management, life skills, knowledge of partners and self-management to see which ones were the best predictors of relationship satisfaction. Couples were asked questions that tested their competency in all of these areas and then queried about how satisfied they were with their relationships. The researchers correlated each partner’s strengths and weaknesses in each area with the person’ relationship satisfaction.

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Not surprisingly, those who reported communicating more effectively showed the highest satisfaction with their relationships. But the next two factors — which were also the only other ones with strong links to couple happiness — were knowledge of partner (which included everything from knowing their pizza-topping preferences to their hopes and dreams) and life skills (being able to hold a job, manage money, etc.).

Couples counselors, however, rarely address these two areas, as the focus on strengthening relationships has been on improving communication to reduce destructive behavior and to build support and comfort for each other. “For the last 25 years,” says Tom Bradbury, a veteran couples researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles, “the prevailing attitude has been that relationships need to meet our emotional needs.” To be successful, however, he’s also found that relationships need to function in more practical, and perhaps mundane ways as well.

And learning more about your partner, says the study’s lead author Robert Epstein, a professor of psychology at the University of the South Pacific, in Fiji, could be relatively easy if people (men especially, since they scored worse in this area) took the trouble to find out, remember and put to use such relatively simple information as the names of their partner’s relatives and the dates of birthdays and anniversaries. Even more important, Epstein says, is knowing such critical things as whether your partner wants children. While his study did not separate trivial from such profound knowledge, he says that the two are strongly linked.

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While other marriage researchers agree that forgetting things like birthdays or food preferences can be annoying and detrimental to a relationship, they believe the importance of life skills that was revealed in the study is telling.

“It’s an old idea, really,” says Bradbury. “In 1900 a woman or man would think, ‘My partner must be able to provide for me.’ ‘She must be able to help me plant and dig up the crops.’” If the couple had this foundation, they’d consider themselves lucky if they also got their emotional needs met. In Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage, historian Stephanie Coontz traces the gradual erosion of this old idea of marriage back about 200 years in Western society as cultural expectations about marriage changed from one rooted in kinship, property and utility to one in which people were expected to get nearly all of their emotional needs met by one person.

For today’s couples interested in improving their relationships, say the study’s authors, therapists might consider going back to the basics and incorporating more practical social skills into their discussions. And that may include referring those who lack these skills to money managers or career coaches. “Communication skills are necessary,” says Lisa Neff, couples researcher at the University of Texas at Austin, “but they’re not sufficient when couples are under stress.”

(MORE: How Not Talking About Conflict Could Help a Marriage Last)

It’s important for couples to know how the outside world — whether they can get a job, whether their kids can play outside safely or go to a good school — will affect their relationship even if they have good life skills and good communication skills. Strong relationships, says Bradbury, recognizes how pressures outside of home and the relationship can influence, and even break down good communication skills.

“Outside,” Bradbury says, “there is a real world that impinges on us.” To deal with it takes not only communication, but also an understanding that even the strongest communication networks among partners can falter and when they’re under these intense external pressure. The strategy he suggests for couples he counsels is to join forces rather than turn away from each other. “It’s not you against each other; it’s you against the world,” he says.

[Couples who want to take the test can do so at]


Relationships in my opinion should be b/n like minded couple b/c we can avoid many conflicts which arise from interests. Then trying to understand each other and not being judgmental helps a lot. If you haven't seen this, please do now:


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For me, in a relationship , there are always disagreements, but this doesnt means a malfunction of the relationship. It´s common for a couple discuss certain situations, but the important thing is to know how to face this discussion and how to resolve it properly, not to draw the strength of the relationship. Feels that discussions with the partner becames part of the daily routine and that there is god communication between you, the secret is not to be discouraged because you can get out of this situation and solve problems. I think that talk with the partner can be a good attempt: sit and talk and see what is not working. A relationship is built with responsibility. Identify the reasons for the latest discussions is interesting in all cases. Each fight, even superficial, may seem, has a real background pattern that was not spoken in its time. We need to identify the problem to resolve, ask if it is a real subject and the situation was cause to react that way. But firts at all, respect is very important. The failure to comply and insults should be avoided. We must respect each other and not hurt. Dealing with sincerity may seem difficult, but it is an important key in this situations. Communication undoubtedly has a very important role, would be the most fundamental basis, but it has other factors that really have to attach great importance also, for example, recognize the errors of each one and try to solve that errors. For recurrences, living in the present is a good way to keep the relationship in good shape.We cant forget the projects together, shared moments and all those things that make us happy.


I'll keep this all in mind. I've recently met a new guy on Mesh and I really want things to work. He's honestly perfect and I don't want things to get messed up!


wow, one of the best things for a great relationship is sex, and sometimes you just gotta go thru the motions.  We love for the times when we don't feel like thinking about sex but need to have sex.


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Killing the the Mans Mother in Law works wonders on a relationship..


High maintenance American couples & me me me.

How about simply being 'cool', as opposed to being a jerk. And loyalty, that goes a long way. And seeing your spouse as family (a term that's not reserved for your parents & siblings).